Find freedom from self-harm, self-hatred, and self-punishment, and discover your joy.
Self-harm is hard enough to live with on its own. Stigma, shame, and misinformation make it even harder.
You can’t share what’s happening with you. You’re afraid that you might lose your job, your relationships, or your support system.
No matter how many times you tell yourself otherwise, it still feels like it must be your fault, like you could just stop if you wanted. But when the impulse comes up, when you feel those unendurable emotions, you don’t know how else to respond.
You don’t have to suffer alone. And it might not be easy, but you can get better. You can find new ways to feel and new ways to act. You can let go of the shame and fear.
I know because I have been there.
Common Myths About Self-Harm
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FACT: Self-harm is all too common among people who identify as women, men, and gender nonconforming or trans. However, there are differences in types of self-harm. Female-identified people tend to cut themselves or restrict eating, while male-identified people are more likely to hit or burn themselves. All people who self-harm physically are probably also harming themselves emotionally, through self-talk and other means.
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FACT: Self-harm can happen at any time of life, and it’s a very serious situation, no matter who is doing it or when in life it starts. Needing attention is not a crime. It’s a basic human necessity. But unfortunately, most people who self-harm, even if they hope for attention and support, are more likely hiding it than sharing it.
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FACT: Physical self-harm is common and can include punching, slapping, burning, cutting, restricting food, and many other forms of damage to your own body. But physical self-harm almost always comes along with emotional self-harm, such as vicious self-hating self-talk, or restriction of activities or denial of your own needs. All of these are important and need to be addressed together.
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FACT: While some people do go through a single period of self-harm and then stop, that’s not true for most people. In most cases, self-harm is a deeply ingrained way of coping with unendurable emotions that was learned very early in life, or during a very impressionable period. Even when a person stops doing a specific self-harm behavior like cutting, the problems that led to the behavior are often still there, and are likely to show up again later in life if not dealt with.
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FACT: We’re learning that talking about self-harm (like talking about suicide) does not make it more likely. It helps. In fact, it’s absolutely necessary in order to start healing. The shame and hiding of this behavior are a large part of what make it hard to live with. Part of the work I do here is to bring this painful experience into the light so that it can be addressed.
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FACT: Self-harm is incredibly destructive because it arises out of deeply painful experiences in a person’s life. Self-harm is a major risk factor for suicide, and it tends to get worse over time if it’s not dealt with. Many young people who self-harm in visible ways (such as through cutting) go on to develop addictions and other issues later in life. Healing from self-harm is incredibly important.
It may not feel like it right now, but you don’t deserve harm. You don’t deserve shame. You are not broken. And you can heal.
What is self-harm, and why do people do it?
Self-harm occurs any time someone hurts themselves on purpose, through any means. This can be cutting, hitting, restricting food or other needs, vicious self-hating talk, or any other form of hurting yourself. Often these go together.
People self-harm for many different reasons. For some, it feels like punishment for something they did wrong (often they’re not even sure what this thing is), or for being a “bad person.” Others self-harm because they feel numb and need to experience a strong, painful sensation in order to experience any sense of their body. In almost all cases, self-harm is related to some kind of trauma or neglect, often emotional neglect.
What all self-harm has in common is that it feels, in the moment, like the only way of coping with unendurable emotions or experiences.
If you are self-harming, please know that this is a survival mechanism. Strange as it might sound, you developed this way of coping so that you could live. For many people, self-harm is a conscious alternative to suicide. For others, it’s less clear, even to themselves, why they do it.
Whatever is going on with you, you are not alone, and you are neither bad nor broken. But you’ve likely developed this pattern over a long period of time, so it will probably take time to unlearn it. All I can say is that, whether you know it or not right now, it will be worth it.
For people who self-harm now or have a history of self-harm
If you are actively self-harming now, or if you have a history of self-harm, having a person on your team who knows what you’re going through and can provide support, actionable skills, and understanding can make an enormous difference.
I didn’t have a person like that on my team until I was in my 40s. My mission is to work toward a world in which no one else has to live with this pain for that long.
If you choose to work with me, we will combine coaching, creativity, and increased self-awareness to identify triggers and recognize when the pressure to self-harm is building or is likely to arise, to develop and create plans for different ways to respond, to set up a support network that can and will actually support you, and to reduce shame, guilt, and self-hatred around this behavior.
If you think this might help you, please click the button below to set up a free consultation. I know so well what you are going through, and I honor your strength in seeking help.
For family members and partners
Loving someone who self-harms can be incredibly painful. It can feel as if you must be to blame. Did you do something wrong that caused this problem? You might also wonder whether you can ever leave this person alone or have your own life while you are worrying about them.
Maybe your own upbringing provided you with no tools for handling emotional or mental health issues, and you feel completely out of your depth.
If this is you, please reach out. You need support, too.
Schedule a Call
If you or a loved one is suffering because of self-harm (whether it is active now, or a history of self-harm in the past), please reach out.
It’s simple:
Set up a free half hour consultation call to talk about what you need and what challenges you are facing.
Decide whether my particular style of transformational coaching will open up what you need to open up in yourself or your work.
Show up to sessions ready to hold yourself gently and work with this difficult experience to the best of your ability, with all the support you need.
A Note About Therapy
I am not a clinical mental health professional. I am a trained coach, a yoga therapist, an experienced teacher, and a mentor who has been where you are now.
Self-harm is serious, and I very highly recommend that the people I work with are also working with a licensed mental health professional.
What this offers on top of therapy is support from someone who has been there, actionable skills to use when you are experiencing the impulse to self-harm, self-awareness about when and why you self-harm and how to plan different behaviors, and methods for reducing the shame and guilt that almost always go along with self-harm.